Two things I have never seen.

For those of you who don’t know much about me I have a long history of working in pubs and restaurants. I don’t work in them now, I have a desk job as most of the pubs have been closed do to the smoking ban cheap supermarket booze.

I got my first pub job when I was eighteen and went into the trade full time when I turned twenty four. I lasted eight years until the industry went tits up and I opted for respectable employment.

I’ve done everything from collecting glasses to management. I’ve even worked as a doorman and a kitchen porter.

In my fourteen years in the licenced trade there are two things often talked about that I have never seen.

The first is an unprovoked assault.

There are many stories in the media about so called unprovoked attacks. It seems there’s as many as one a week in our local paper, things must be pretty bad oop north.

I have seen many fights in my years in the trade. I’ve seen girl on girl bitch fights, girl on boy, chav on chav and full on group rumbles. I’ve seen people use home made weapons, bottles, chairs, pies. I’ve even seen a group of people trying to tip a police van while the coppers were inside.

No matter how much stuff I’ve seen, I’ve never seen an unprovoked attack. The ‘unprovoked’ stories you read in the paper are either someone who’s allowed themselves to be drawn into trouble that has nothing to do with them or someone who has tried to play ‘peacemaker’.

I have often seen some chav who’s giving attitude turn to someone not involved and say something like, “WTF are you looking at?”

At which point I always think, walk off and let us deal with it, but they don’t, they respond along the lines of, “STFU or I’ll knock you out!”

When they end up getting decked it goes in the papers as an ‘unprovoked’ attack. True enough this person didn’t provoke originally but they let their young male ego draw them into the fight when they should have turned away and avoided a beating.

Then there’s the peacemaker. There is nothing worse, when you are trying to split up a fight, than some pissed up kid coming over saying, “calm down Trev, he’s not worth it”, and putting their paws all over everyone.

Advice to everyone when drunk. If someone gobs off at you, forget the ego and walk off. If some people are fighting leave them to it.

If you absolutely have to get involved in a scrap only do so if 1) you have spent some time learning self defence 2) you are not pissed up.

(Extra advice to nurses. You do not help us when you’ve had ten WKD’s. Please do not offer assistance)

The second thing I’ve never seen in pubs is a drink that’s been ‘spiked’.

Like this one.

Blackburn Rovers boss Steve Kean’s legal team may claim someone spiked his drink on the day he was arrested for drink driving.

Contrary to popular belief, folk do not walk round pubs dishing out free drugs and booze to random people.

The ‘my drink was spiked’ claim is used primarily by young girls who have drunk so many WKD’s it’s made them puke.

I’ve heard the claim many times but never once was it any more than excess alcohol. I’ve even had, young girls in particular, demanding that I phone an ambulance or even the police because someone has had a drink spiked. I’ve never done that once and no one has ever come back in the morning having sobered up and contacted the police themselves.

Fortunately none of these ‘spiked’ people have ever died choking on their own vomit. That would not have gone down well. “Officer, I asked the landlord to call an ambulance but he told me to fuck the fuck off”.

I sincerely hope that Steve Kean does not invoke the defence of the sixteen year old girl. If he does he will lose all credibility, and so will Freemans Solicitors who are representing him.

You got caught. Fess up.

(Note to anyone reading this who is about to comment, “But my drink really was spiked”. No it wasn’t.)

18 comments for “Two things I have never seen.

  1. June 12, 2011 at 6:07 am

    Spiked with 4.7% alcohol perhaps.

    • June 12, 2011 at 8:42 am

      No doubt. Arrest the brewer!

  2. June 12, 2011 at 6:45 am

    “(Extra advice to nurses. You do not help us when you’ve had ten WKD’s”



    • June 12, 2011 at 8:43 am


  3. David Capman
    June 12, 2011 at 8:02 am

    Never actually ‘seen’ an unprovoked assault, but I know of just one in my many years that I am prepared to consider as such on grounds of benefit of doubt. Specifically, on october 1 1992 around a pool table in an East coast pub. A large group of people from my work went out for a traditional session, and one of the works people literally went bonzo attacking the four playing pool.

    Personally, I was suspicious but according to everyone I talked to on the matter, there was absolutely no previous, or momentary communication between the group and this one single attacker (who incidentally, was known as a fairly serious basket-case and was largely avoided on that basis). Up to that day, I’d agree with you. Since that day, I’d agree with you. But this one unique occasion, I’d assign ‘unprovoked’.

    Otherwise, I spike my own drinks.

    • June 12, 2011 at 8:41 am

      I suppose your story qualifies and I suppose the unprovoked attack situation does exist from time to time although I’ve never seen one.
      If the MSM are to be beleived, they happen every day. What they are reporting on is the little scrote who’s gone to the police and said, “I didn’t do nuffink innit”, when they were probably being a right dick.

      Otherwise, I wish someone would spike mine and save me some money 😉

  4. Jack Savage
    June 12, 2011 at 8:35 am

    Wise wise wise wise words.

    My karate instructor’s first lesson.

    Q. What is the first best self-defense karate technique?

    A. Run away!

    • June 12, 2011 at 8:46 am

      Very true. Pegging it isn’t that hard if you’re not ruled by your own ego.

  5. Westerlyman
    June 12, 2011 at 10:00 am

    Cannot agree with you there Bucko. I have not spent 8 years working in pubs but I have spent 35 years drinking in them and about 15 years ago I was with a chum in a Plaistow pub. It was early evening (around 6pm) and the pub was busy but calm with mostly regulars enjoying a Friday after work relaxer.

    The door opened and a group of around 8 young persons (aged 20ish) came in. They were talking very loudly and using a lot of foul language but they were not drunk. They started shouting and abusing the bar staff and customers. Despite the bar staff trying to reason with them one of these young people simply attacked the barman.

    The whole pub rapidly dissolved into a big fight and several people were glassed and although the bar staff had secretly called the police when the group arrived, it was 15 minutes before the police arrived. The perpetrators had left and everyone stood around talking (and mopping up the blood) but none knew why these people had come in and started the fight. No one knew them.

    Of course it is possible that some of the people knew but were keeping quiet but I doubt it. I think this group of young animals went looking for a ruck and started one. It was completely unprovoked.

    • June 12, 2011 at 11:58 am

      I can only tell it from my own experience. I’ve been attacked myself when trying to get shut of a muppet. That doesn’t really qualify as an unprovoked assault.

      In your situation, there may have been history between the pup and some of those lads. Some people can hold a serious grudge if they get refused service or thrown out.

  6. June 12, 2011 at 3:38 pm

    I’ve never drunk a spiked drink, but it does happen occasionally that I drink the standard number of pints of lager (say between three and six) and I am suddenly unable to walk in a straight line, despite not feeling particularly drunk, and otherwise being perfectly conscious and rational.

    • June 12, 2011 at 4:40 pm

      Could it be that you lost a shoe?

  7. June 12, 2011 at 9:25 pm

    Bucko, having misspent much of my youth in similar situations, might I suggest a couple of amendments to the following;

    “1) you have spent some time learning self defence”

    And even then, not unless you’re prepared to go down to the wire and actually use your martial arts skills. Oh and never, ever let the bastards get behind you (even if you’ve put them down, hard) unless you’ve got a really handy mate watching your back. I’ve seen black belts taken down by a crazy mo’fo who wouldn’t stay down. Truly.

    2) you are not pissed up.

    Ever. Always walk away if you can, but if pushed to the point of no return, be prepared to fight for your life. Because you may well have to. ❗

  8. June 12, 2011 at 9:54 pm

    1) “(even if you’ve put them down, hard)”

    I’ve heard it said that the only truly effective restraint is unconsciousness. Particularly true with crazy mo’fos who won’t stay down cos they’re usually on smack or something.

    2) “Always walk away if you can”

    That’s why I would never consider getting involved in somebody elses fight, no matter what appeared to be going on.

  9. MRI
    June 13, 2011 at 1:37 pm

    It wasn’t an attack – only because we didn’t respond – but it was certainly unprovoked.

    I was with a mate in Nottingham many years ago – probably 5 or 6. We’d been to a couple of pubs and had 1 pint each, then gone into a third and my mate went to order some lunch. It was about 3pm on a non-football Saturday.

    I was sat at our table which didn’t provide a view of the bar. A bloke who I’d never met then came up to me and said I needed to go and help my mate, without providing any further specifics. I was tall but skinny and only in my mid 20s, whilst my mate is only 5′ 6″.

    I walked over to the bar where all, oddly enough, seemed fine. From left to right were: two seated women, gap, my mate stood up, gap, 1 big bloke stood up and 3 bigger blokes seated, forming a group of 4. Behind the bar was 1 male bartender and a bouncer, who was stood in front of the women.

    My mate was waiting for our drinks and I just happened to stand between him and the first bloke, who was in a suit, grey haired and aged about 55.

    ‘Everything alright?’, I asked my mate.
    ‘Yeah’, came the reply without him looking at me.
    ‘That your boyfriend then?’, shouts a voice behind me.
    I turn and see the first bloke has spoken and he’s completely pissed. His eyes are bloodshot, he’s slurring his words and the blokes behind him are looking daggers at me, even though we’ve never met. ‘No’, I calmly reply.
    ‘Very diplomatic’, says one of the three seated thugs.
    ‘F**k this’, says thug 1 and spits his beer all over the bar, to the obvious disgust of the bartender who had just handed my mate our drinks.

    We walk back to our table, sit down. 2 mins later we see all 4 thugs leave.

    The bloke who had come and warned me then came over again and said he and his mate had seen the four thugs threatening people in other bars that same day.

    There you go.

  10. June 13, 2011 at 2:12 pm

    .(Note to anyone reading this who is about to comment, “But my drink really was spiked”. No it wasn’t.)

    Um, yes it was. I am teetotal, much to the annoyance of a friend of mine. He tried putting vodka in my orange juice in the hope that I wouldn’t notice. You always notice.

    • June 13, 2011 at 3:13 pm

      Now that I can beleive. Some people just seem to have a problem with folk who dont drink.
      Like you say though, you always notice.

  11. Ashtrayhead
    June 13, 2011 at 11:30 pm

    When I was in the ‘Old Bill’ we’d regularly get calls from young women who claimed that their drinks had been spiked or drugged. I used to advise them to go to hospital or their doctor for a blood test and if it was positive for any illegal substance then to call back. They never did.
    On the subject of unprovoked attacks, a few years ago I was in the police station control room one night and after pub kicking out time a shirtless young male was being followed by cctv as he walked along the road randomly punching anyone who was in his range. All of a sudden another lad ran up behind him and punched him from behind in the side of the head. As a result the shirtless one immediately crumpled in a heap onto the pavement and was out for the count. The other guy ran off but, in their wisdom, the cctv operators didn’t follow him but watched as shirtless guy eventually came round after a couple of minutes and wandered off in a daze! Surprisingly no one came to his assistance and no one called police either!

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