Better Order More Kleenex For The Council Chambers!

Solicitors representing the Lap Dancing Association are arguing with Bournemouth council on what makes a performance ‘lewd’ or ‘stimulating’.

Well, I guess it depends…

Jeffrey Green Russell say the council’s current conditions, which will regulate For Your Eyes Only, Spearmint Rhino and Wiggle, are too unclear to work.Councillors meeting at today’s licensing board will now have to debate the finer points on what lap dancers can do and what can be called ‘sexual’.

Will it just be PowerPoint, or a working demo? The cleaners would like to know…

But why has this come about? Well, reluctant as I am to mention ‘lap dancing’ and ‘Harriet Harman’ in the same blogpost, you guessed it!

The government last year made all councils introduce regulations for the lap dancing industry and all venues must now have a £4,000 license to legally operate.


The only people getting any benefit from this are, of course, those other loose-moralled gyrationists. They are making out like bandits:

Solicitor Robert Sutherland wrote to the council, objecting to nine of the council’s 40 conditions, including one that forbids dances from ‘any act which clearly simulates any sexual act’.He wrote: “The difficulty is that the performance of dance is sexually stimulating by its very nature and there is therefore some simulation of a sexual act even if it with the rhythmic moving of the hips.”

I guarantee you’ll never see a more sexually-charged sentence from a law firm!

He also objected to a condition that the dancers at the clubs must not use graphic or suggestive language or behave in a ‘lewd manner’.He wrote: “Lewd, as I understand the dictionary definition, is to be sexual in an offensive way.

“I wonder whether such a condition is necessary as this would be different to different people.”

The reason why the condition is ‘necessary’ is to ensure continual employment, of course.


Not for lap-dancers, though.

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11 comments for “Better Order More Kleenex For The Council Chambers!

  1. Woman on a Raft
    September 29, 2011 at 8:57 am

    loose-moralled gyrationists

    Bravo. Tripple-point score for that one.


    The government last year made all councils introduce regulations for the l*p-d*ncing industry and all venues must now have a £4,000 license to legally operate.

    Reminds me, what happened to the Great Repeal Bill? This is exactly the sort of measure which CallMeDave should have shoved straight on the bonfire of the vanities.

    • September 30, 2011 at 5:34 am

      You’d think so, wouldn’t you.. 👿

  2. mister_choos
    September 29, 2011 at 10:52 am

    Surely the whole fecking point of a lapdance is that it is sexual and lewd.
    Why would anybody bother otherwise? If it doesn’t make percy wake up and pay attention then they are wasting there money.
    I imagine that the rules were drawn up knowing that the clubs would object thus giving the excuse for councillors to thouroughly research the ins and outs (ahem) of the industry.

    • September 30, 2011 at 5:34 am


  3. TediousTantrums
    September 29, 2011 at 1:50 pm

    I’d also imagine that there would be Health & Safety Issues. For example how long is the pole? Is the diameter of a size which the dancers can cope with. If the diameter of the pole is too small will the dancers have difficulty with it? Is the pole strong enough so it doesn’t bend and wilt during the performance?

    I’d recommend that the Councilors visit the premises to watch a performance or two or even more if they don’t get all the “information” they need the first time. They may also have to discuss things individually with the performers?

    Just a thought.

    • September 30, 2011 at 5:34 am

      😆 😆 😆

  4. Lord T
    September 29, 2011 at 6:21 pm

    Considering that someone somewhere screwed Mo (I’ve forgotten her name), Harriet Harmnan, John Majors squeeze as well as Blairs missus. I would guess that any old biddy in a dress would excite someone. Hell, I’m getting excited about in now myself. 🙄

    • September 30, 2011 at 5:35 am

      *prepares bucket of cold water*

  5. September 30, 2011 at 7:38 am

    Well, reluctant as I am to mention ‘lap dancing’ and ‘Harriet Harman’ in the same blogpost…

    Congratulations, Julia. You’ve just discovered the cure for all forms of priapism. I’m just worried that I might need a hypnotist to excise that thought from my head before mine ever works again.

    • October 1, 2011 at 6:34 am


    • Lord T
      October 1, 2011 at 4:34 pm

      Sorry about that.

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