Come back, Gordon…

Content warning – this post was written under the influence of a descending red mist and contains horrible oaths and general bad language.  

All is not forgiven by any means, not even remotely, but when the Cobbleition are doing things that are just as stupid as those Gordon Clown himself did there’s a case to be made that you might as well put the lurching, snot munching, cyclopean horror with the faecal Midas touch back in charge and be bloody done with it.

The Prime Minister and his deputy, Nick Clegg, will unveil proposals to help first-time buyers of new homes by carrying part of the risk of their mortgages.

Dave, Nick, say it ain’t so. Tell us that even you aren’t so monumentally stupid that you can’t see that it’s precisely this kind of policy – using taxpayers’ money to underwrite loans for overpriced housing to people who are at higher risk of being unable to repay them – that led with grim inevitability to the fucking subprime mortgage crisis in the fucking first place. And what did that lead to in its turn? Oh, yes, that’d be adding to an unsustainable bubble with a bonus prize of a banking crisis, wouldn’t it? And you two freak shows are now standing here telling us that you want to fucking do it all over again in the deluded belief it’ll get the economy moving. Folks, I think this year’s Jeff Buckley Award for being the Public Figure Most Hopelessly Out of Their Depth may end up being shared.

They also propose subsidising the construction of 16,000 homes by giving £400 million of taxpayers’ money to property developers.

Oh, why not just round it up to a neat half billion? It’s only money, after all, and of course you don’t need to worry because it’s not yours anyway. Listen, you morons, every bloody pound of subsidies – every penny the government spends, in fact – is a pound that must be taken off someone’s disposable income either now or in the future. You’re taking money away from people who might otherwise be able to put it towards the deposit for a house, d’you see? Or a car, or a meal out, or a newspaper or any number of things. They might even decide to stick it in the bank and save it if someone gives them an interest rate that can’t be described as comical. Now tell me I’m wrong but if you want the housing market to pick up does it really make sense to take money away from people who need it to buy houses with? The very people that are currently worrying you because they’re not buying houses because lenders aren’t all that happy with the risks at the moment? Dave, Nick, please try to understand this: more disposable income + lower house prices = more houses being sold. Okay? And conversely less disposable income + higher house prices = … want to take a guess? Do you see now, you pair of utter fucktroons?

And pardon me for asking, but what the hell does the government need the housing market to pick up for anyway? It was overpriced. It still is. It doesn’t need ‘unblocking’ like it’s a toilet that Gordon Clown and his badger faced sock puppet left bunged up after a particularly nasty dump – it needs the very correction you idiots are trying to forestall. Nobody disputes that the British economy needs reviving, but if there’s a lesson to be learned from the last government, and Christ knows there’s more than just one, surely it’s that an economy that’s running on a spending boom fuelled by a combination of cheap credit and appreciating house prices making people feel richer than they really are is not an economy that will run indefinitely before hitting trouble. Yet, Dave and Nick, this seems to be pretty much what you want to do.

In a further move, ministers are working on a scheme under which billions of pounds of money in pension funds will be used to finance the construction of power stations, wind turbines and roads.

What? WHAT? WHAT? Are you fucking serious? On top of everything else have you two started channelling Robert Maxwell or something?

Treasury sources said talks had been conducted with pension fund managers for months. They are hoping to attract managers to invest in infrastructure schemes because they provide a better rate of return than government bonds.

Oh, no shit? And the Cobbleition government, unlike its predecessors of all stripes, has suddenly got good at picking winners and reckons that the best investments around at the moment happen to be the things that it does and taxes people for because… uh, because there’s rarely profit to be made in them.* Oh well, at least they’re not talking about using Labour’s idea of helping themselves to money in old accounts, even if that’s probably just because they’ve already cleaned them out.

Look, Dave and Nick, the government already lighten the pockets of the British motorist to the tune of some £45-50 billion, in return for which about a fifth of that is spent on the roads, and now you want to fill in the few zillion potholes you’ve missed with the contents of their pension funds? Oh, and erect a few more bird mincing white elephants that are, to use Malcolm Tucker’s phrase, as much use as a marzipan dildo, and so uneconomic that nobody in their right mind would build even one if not given someone else’s money to offset the otherwise certain losses. And no, I’m not just saying that because Phil the Greek thinks so. Might I suggest that if you want more to be spent on road maintenance and other infrastructure (but not bird mincers) you stop spending money somewhere else? It’s called living within your means, which is a concept that even plankton in the oceanic depths could probably wrap what passes for their heads around – in the depressingly likely event that you can’t find anyone in Whitehall who understands go out and find a real person to explain it to you.

As for power stations, again I feel there is a lesson that should have been learned from the Labour years – just get out of the bloody way and let someone build the fucking things. Seriously, it’s not like a power station doesn’t produce something that people need and for which a ready market exists – Christ, even wind turbines have got that much going for them, they just can’t produce it steadily and reliably – so there should be a return on building them providing the initial costs aren’t prohibitive. That means not having interminable inquiries before graciously allowing someone to begin work on building something that people need, and then telling them to stop again because some middle class white kid with dreadlocks and a dream of erasing the memory of the silver (plated) spoon by not washing has found a pond, and look, there’s like all tadpoles in it, dude. It means, as I mentioned, the government doing it’s best just to get out of the fucking way.

Separately, Lord Heseltine, who advises the Government on growth, said MPs should waive through critically important infrastructure projects to get the economy moving.

It pains me to agree with a man who still wants Britain to sign up to the currency version of Heaven’s Gate but that’s kind of the thing I’m on about, though as an aside this isn’t:

The former Cabinet minister said the Government could work with Ed Miliband, the Labour leader, to agree on which major projects to push through.

Yes, very good, Michael, a government of literally all the twats. Wonderful. Nurse! He’s out of bed again.

But really, why not? The Cobbleition really are as bad as Labour, and we all know Labour were pretty shocking. But I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve ranted and raved and railed at some new piece of pettiness or authoritarianism or nannying or incompetence or lack of backbone (especially with regard to the EU) or just plain epic fuckwittery. I’ve lost count how often I’ve said that it’s just like Labour never left office. I even began this rant with the observation that if this is what Dave and Nick want to do then Britain might as well give up and bring back Gordon Brown to finish the demolition job he started. And if all the main parties are bent on Britain’s self destruction and disagree only on the speed at which it should happen, if the only long term hope is to rebuild from the ashes, then it’s starting to look to me like the petrol and matches and matches may as well be given to the worst nutter of the lot.

The alternative, of course, is to get rid of the whole bloody lot of them and replace them with sane people, but for some reason this doesn’t seem to have very broad appeal in the UK. I’m sure the millions attached firmly to the tax tit and the millions more brainwashed to believe that this is how it has to be haven’t got anything to do with it.


* That often there’s rarely profit to be made precisely because government is involved probably doesn’t occur to them.

23 comments for “Come back, Gordon…

  1. john in cheshire
    November 21, 2011 at 3:28 pm

    ‘Kinell’ – exactly.

    • November 21, 2011 at 4:04 pm


      They don’t get the basic principle that subsidies increase prices.

      • November 21, 2011 at 6:17 pm

        I can only thank whatever gods there may be that poor old Maggie’s (allegedly) gaga, and can’t see what’s happened to the Conservative Party…

        • November 21, 2011 at 10:42 pm

          Over at Counting Cats Paul Marks has blogged on the same topic and mentioned that Maggie wasn’t as good at getting her Conservatism implemented as many people think. As far as the economic side goes, small state, laissez-faire etc I’d go along with that – she looked good compared to what had gone before and certainly picked up some of the pieces but I don’t think she made headway on actually stopping the rot. And that’s without going into some of the Tory illiberalism of the 80s.

  2. Mudplugger
    November 21, 2011 at 3:36 pm

    Despite any qualities of the content, Angry Exile has commited a capital offence in the use of the banned phrase “Come Back, G*rdon” – this phrase, or any similar sentiment, is forbidden for the overall happiness of the nation.

    (Donning the black cap) “You will be taken from this place to a place of execution……..may (insert deity) have mercy on your soul”.

    • David
      November 21, 2011 at 6:04 pm


    • November 21, 2011 at 9:50 pm

      Mudplugger, David, the thing is the government running Britain at the moment isn’t significantly different to its predecessor. Except in the rate at which it’s leading the country to ruination it seems to me to be exactly as bad. Exactly. Maybe worse when you consider they’d just had a 13 year long lesson on how not to do things. Wanting Gordon Brown back is a sign of how bad the Cobbleition are. I think as PM the man was stupid, hubristic and catastrophically incompetent. Dave and Nick are at least all of those, but also either ignorant or evil depending on whether the lesson failed to sink in or whether knowing the likely results they’ve just decided to go ahead anyway. Gordon Brown winning the election would have been disastrous in the short term since the mess he left would have been far beyond his ability to fix, but in the longer term it would have been highly damaging both to Labour, who’d get all the blame for the state the country is in, and to the Tories and LibDims who’d self-destruct over their inability to unseat the most epically useless and unpopular PM in living memory.

      I’m not a fan of the overused phrase ‘paradigm shifts’ but I do think there needs to be one in British politics and the sooner the better. Last year was close but a near miss and there can be little doubt the UK is now stuck with a slightly slower version of Brownian politics for the next few years, after which the Cobbleition will probably lose and Ed Milivanilliband will take his turn at the helm without actually changing direction. Had Gordon won last year it’d certainly have been worse right now but there’d be a fair chance of that paradigm shift come the next election, perhaps in the form of UKIP and/or a bunch of independents achieving enough electoral success to have a moderating effect on whichever of the main party chumps got in.

      I guess it depends on whether you find slow decline and equally slow rebuild more or less attractive a proposition than pushing the plunger for demolition now so the site can be cleared for rebuilding sooner. Neither are ideal but actually repairing the joint seems to be off the cards. 🙁

      • November 21, 2011 at 9:51 pm

        D’oh – *isn’t significantly different*. Head slapped and comment edited.

      • Mudplugger
        November 22, 2011 at 8:53 am

        A creative defence at your appeal against sentence, although the conviction for the original offence remains valid.

        Hereby commuted to Life with hard Labour and no parole – I always was a softie at heart. Save the piano-wire for another day.

  3. Jill
    November 21, 2011 at 5:06 pm

    I can’t stop laughing! Sorry. Now I’m off to commit hara kiri.

    • November 21, 2011 at 10:01 pm

      If it’s a despairing kind of laugh I do that too. Quite a lot.

  4. November 21, 2011 at 5:16 pm

    No mercy from me, agree with every (except the come back Gordo bit), even posted sbout it on my piss poor blog-

    And our own Piss Poor Policy Millionaires Club Coalition

    Has come up with a stonking plan to fuck up the economy even more-Plans to allow first-time buyers of new homes to borrow up to 95% of the value, with the government underwriting part of the risk, are to be unveiled.

    Err; isn’t lending money to people who default on mortgages what got us in this pile of crap in the first place…and for ‘the Government’ read ‘the Taxpayer’.

    Nice one Angry Exile

    • November 21, 2011 at 10:03 pm

      No mercy from me, agree with every (except the come back Gordo bit)…

      Pained me greatly to write it but truth be told even may last year I half expected to have write it one day.

  5. Lord T
    November 21, 2011 at 5:46 pm

    It was obvious the whole lot of them were useless. But very few of us voted for a third party.

    However, even I am surprised by this. Although now I am thining about it I wonder why? Why am I surprised by anything our politicians do?

    I would say that this should be the final straw, the spark that lit the fuse and led to a revolution but I bet most of the population think this is a good idea.

    Another nail in the coffin. I wonder if there is any wood in this coffin?

    • November 21, 2011 at 10:07 pm

      Yeah, give it another ten or fifteen years and the coffin will be nothing but nails. Millions – probably the same millions who voted for the usual suspects just because that’s who they always vote for and that’s who Mum & Dad voted for – probably do think this is a good idea, which thought alone should have the sane amongst us heading to the hills via a gun shop.

  6. David
    November 21, 2011 at 6:04 pm

    Yup – glad I aint got one o’ them pension thingies. Gonna bag myself a policktician and git m’self a nice comfy bed in one o’ them Government hotels when I’m an oldun and pissed all my money away; prison I think it’s called.

    • November 21, 2011 at 10:14 pm

      Good plan but I’d suggest doing it in a country that isn’t trying to bankrupt itself. The money’s already run out and when the credit runs out to it’s going to be bloody. That prison life might well change for the worse could be a silver lining, though it mightn’t be vastly better outside. I’d suggest China but they’d probably just shoot you in the head.

  7. November 21, 2011 at 6:20 pm

    Well, if my luck’s in with the Lotto tomorrow, maybe I’ll buy this

    I’ll need some henchmen though.

    • November 21, 2011 at 10:15 pm

      I’ll take one. No need to supply a cat, I’ll bring me own.

  8. November 21, 2011 at 6:26 pm

    Very well said, hear, hear! But….Gordon? The voters never noted the insanity the first time around, so no surprise that the so far milder symptoms of Dave and Nick are going unnoticed today!

    If a holiday home on the Continent is today worth €XXX,000 and the Euro tomorrow is worth very little, what value your £X,000,000 mansion when the £ sterling is committed by your politicians to bailout the now worthless euro?

    Go figure!

    • November 21, 2011 at 10:54 pm

      I know, I know. Gordon Brown? Back? Seriously? The keyboard was so outraged that it sent painful little jolts of electricity into my fingers as I typed that post. I stand by it though because the symptoms of Dave and Nick are really not milder at all. They’ve got a bit more charisma than Gordon Brown and they’re heading for the cliff slightly slower and with a little less retarded enthusiasm, but other than that I’d say they’re just as catastrophically awful as the dishonourable member for Kirkcaldy and Deadcowbreath.

  9. November 22, 2011 at 10:57 am

    AE, what the Lib Cons proposed yesterday was a word for word cut and paste of what Nulab proposed in mid-2009.

    Total taxes on motor vehicles, incl. fuel duty; VAT on fuel and new cars; car licences; parking, tolls and fines; P11D charges and other bits and pieces are actually slightly more than £50 billion a year.

    • November 22, 2011 at 11:19 am

      I wish I could say I’m astonished and appalled that they’ve just dusted off a NuLab policy, but I’m only appalled. Thanks for the up to date figure for motoring taxes. I remember it was just under £45bn several years ago so I was just guessing. Seems it’s gone up faster than I thought. Bet they haven’t been getting any more road construction and maintenance out of the extra though.

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