“Freeze, Dirtbags! Schwarma Squad!”

Police kept watch at a town centre kebab shop

For their own officers sneaking a verboten kebab, perhaps?

Are they taking their responsibilities to ensure svelte whippets in blue a little too seriously?

Well, no:

… after customers were spotted walking away with bags of takeaway food after closing time.


I just….

This is a crime now? What, have they finally closed all the available ‘people being mean to others on social media’ cases?

Officers visited Cheadle Kebab and Pizza five times between December and February and ordered staff to shut because they were in breach of their licence.

They even asked customers if they could check their food to prove the late-night snacks were still hot.

Didn’t want to sample the wares as well, did they?

Special Constable Louise Lewis, who was on duty with three other officers at 1am on Saturday, January 14, said: “As we left the police vehicle a man was leaving the premises. I approached the man, asked if he had been served hot food, and requested to feel the bag.

“The man stated that he had been served hot food and granted me the request to feel the bag. I felt the bag and saw that it contained hot food so we entered the premises.”

Christ, it’s like something out of ‘Hot Fuzz’! Come to think of it, maybe that was really a documentary?

Despite the police protests, takeaway owner Ahmet Kose was yesterday granted a licence to serve food until 1am at weekends by Staffordshire Moorlands District Council’s licensing committee.

So….the licensing irregularity is now no longer in effect? He got an extension to his license?

What will those Special Constables do with their time now?

Committee chairman Councillor Madelaine Lovatt said: “We take breaches very seriously.

“There is no excuse for not following police advice and closing on time. However, we are mindful that the clients had operated for four years with the licence they had inherited, and as far as we are aware no other issues or concerns have arisen.

“There have been no objections from residents, environmental health or any other agencies.

“There have been no incidents of anti-social behaviour or disorder.

“If there are further breaches, we would invite the police to review the licence.”

If there were no issues other than the simple fact of the licensing breach, why the hell was this ever considered a suitable case for the police in the first place?

Is Cheadle such a law-abiding place they have nothing better to do?

Licensing officer Hana Mir said neighbourhood police had first spotted the takeaway was open beyond its permitted hours on December 27 and the premises had been monitored. A further four incidents were then reported.

She told councillors there could be no confidence staff would comply with the conditions of the licence and called on the panel to delay granting the application for six months to give them the opportunity to demonstrate they could adhere to regulations.

She said: “Criminal offences have been committed. They continued trading illegally after being visited by police.”

So….bloody…what? It’s hardly the return of the Great Train Robbers, is it?

Seriously, why are we invited to weep tears of blood for the ‘cuts’ to the police when we have officers doing this sort of nonsense?

11 comments for ““Freeze, Dirtbags! Schwarma Squad!”

  1. Mudplugger
    March 26, 2012 at 11:36 am

    So, if I am prosecuted for breaking the 70mph motorway speed limit by driving at 80mph and, sometime later, the authorities approve changing that limit to 80mph, by using the precedent of the kebab shop, that prosecution was evidently invalid. I’ll remember that.

    • March 27, 2012 at 5:41 am


  2. ivan
    March 26, 2012 at 11:46 am

    Julia, you must realise that while they are doing this sort of thing there is no way the police can get involved with all the nasty crims that might fight back.

    • March 27, 2012 at 5:42 am

      It does make them look so utterly ridiculous it’s not going to help with that strike they are planning…

  3. Steve
    March 26, 2012 at 7:21 pm

    The telling phrase is “Special Constable Louise Lewis, who was on duty with three other officers at 1am on Saturday, January 14 …”
    So, it’s gone midnight, it’s cold and probably raining and you want to spend the rest of the shift in a nice warm and dry Custody Suite. How do you get to do this? You nick a very easy mark, like a kebab shop owner flogging off the last of his hot food after hours. There’s no other offence, no ASB, no Public Order offences, just the selling of food.
    Any halfway decent skipper would have kicked some @rse, got the four idle sods back outside where they should have been, taken the kebab shop owner back to his business and copped a freebie schwarma for himself!

    • March 27, 2012 at 5:43 am

      It seems we don’t have any halfway decent skippers any more. Just target-chasing time-servers.

  4. John
    March 26, 2012 at 7:32 pm

    This might sound unfair but we have on one hand a police service who stake out takeaways with thier bloody pocket watches looking for minor licence infringements, and yet last the same GMP stood by and did less than half of sweet fuck all to prevent the riots.

    I guess you pick your battles eh.

  5. nisakiman
    March 26, 2012 at 7:53 pm

    “…and granted me the request to feel the bag…”

    Arf! That actually made me chuckle out loud, Julia. Jesus, what have we come to when the old bill want to “feel your bag to see if it’s hot”. Ha! :mrgreen: That one’s obviously destined to become a detective inspector. She knows how to “winkle” out the truth! 😯

    • March 27, 2012 at 5:44 am

      I did wonder why the reporter repeated the whole thing verbatim. I suspect he had the same thoughts reading it… 😆

  6. March 27, 2012 at 1:08 am

    Yes, the only explanation which makes any sense is that somebody had an accumulator bet on that:-

    a) they could make Louise Lewis (is that really her name?) ask a member of the public if she could feel his bag to see if it was hot

    b) that they could get her to repeat this in open court.

    The first is worth £50, the second has got to be worth £200 of anybody’s money, surely? Especially if you can get it in a written statement.

    Somebody has got to have been playing Licensing Act 2003 bingo. Look for an officer with a smirk on his fizzog booking a holiday to somewhere warm when you know he normally sticks to a caravan at Filey.

  7. March 27, 2012 at 1:13 am

    Unbelievable! I never realised there was a time limit on these places but I seldom have takeaways. The local chip shop here closes whenever it feels like it. Nobody complains as it’s usually open until at least 10pm. If their licence says they sell food until midnight, are they criminals for closing early?

    You couldnae make it up.

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