We’re all doomed

The sign said:
‘Hold stick near centre of its length. Moisten pointed end in mouth. Insert in tooth space, blunt end next to gum. Use gentle in-out motion.’

‘It seemed to me,’ said Wonko the Sane, ‘that any civilization that had so far lost its head as to need to include a set of detailed instructions for use in a packet of toothpicks, was no longer a civilization in which I could live and stay sane.’

So Long and Thanks for All the Fish – Douglas Adams

Seriously. Our civilisation? Screwed. Rooted. Stuffed. Call it what you like. Doomed. Nothing to do with the encroachment of Islam or, given recent discussion here, gay weddings. Not even zombie apocalypses, though I’d say that in a way that’s getting warm. No, I think the end is coming from within, and the evidence I have for this is to be found on a bag of cat food.

Thanks, Purina, I nearly had a bowlful for breakfast. You patronising pricks.

Not unlike Wonko it seems to me that any society that has so far lost its head as to need to explain that a bag marked ‘Supercoat’ under a near life size picture of a cat’s face, and almost certainly bought at a pet store or in the pet food aisle of the supermarket, contains pet food is not a society in which I have much optimism. When the day comes when saucepans are manufactured with ‘Use other way up’ stamped on the bottom it’ll be time to head to the hills via a gun store or two and telling your loved ones not to look back at the city.

28 comments for “We’re all doomed

  1. Hugh
    May 14, 2012 at 7:50 am

    It depends how hungry you are.

    • May 14, 2012 at 8:18 am

      Have no problems there. It’s the thought that someone somewhere thinks people wouldn’t realise they’re eating cat food without a label saying so that bothers me. And if I thought they were actually right about that I really would despair.

      • May 14, 2012 at 9:11 am

        When I buy a tin of sardines I expect to find sardines inside it.

        Here there appears to be a bag of cat.

        • May 14, 2012 at 9:45 am

          😆 Says it’s chicken on the back. Or possibly fish. Can’t remember, bought one of each. Just to confuse things I’m pretty sure I’ve bought tins of tuna with pictures of dolphins on. That should teach the smug bastards to stop smiling all the time.

        • May 14, 2012 at 1:32 pm

          I would buy a big bag of cat

          • Tattyfalarr
            May 14, 2012 at 6:26 pm

            Trying to resist the inevitable swipe at those who “pay for pussy” …

            Nearly managed it too !

            • May 14, 2012 at 8:36 pm


      • Hugh
        May 14, 2012 at 9:14 am

        Yes,you’re right.Shouldn’t be too hard on Purina though,some idiot would try to sue them.Myself,I would rather eat the cat.

        • May 14, 2012 at 9:49 am

          I’m told cats taste pretty nasty, and given what they like to eat I’m prepared to believe it.

          • Mudplugger
            May 14, 2012 at 10:47 am

            Speaking to some elderly French folk many years ago about wartime survival, they told me the menfolk used to catch cats, skin them, then take them home for Madame to cook, telling her it was rabbit. It worked.

            (I’ve not repeated this taste-test personally.)

            • May 14, 2012 at 1:03 pm

              In Spain there is even an expression (dar gato por liebre- to give cat instead of hare- that is, to pass off something as of higher quality than it is) based on this practice, which also presumably come sfrom the war and the post-war. I can confirm that, once skinned, they’re not easy to tell apart.

          • Timozweb
            May 14, 2012 at 8:17 pm

            You clearly have some seriously odd friends. I am not sure I would want to be involved in a cat eating fetish club, even if it was in foreign parts. Talking of which, my cat seems to spend a lot of its time licking its foreign parts.

  2. May 14, 2012 at 9:37 am

    Being labelled “Supercoat”, I’d assume it was cat paint.

    • May 14, 2012 at 9:52 am

      😆 Imagines letter…

      Dear Purina,

      I am writing to complain about this bag of Supercoat I bought. I specifically chose the bag with the ginger/white cat on the front and despite feeding it to Colgate for a whole week now he is still a grey tabby. I look forward to receiving your explanation as to why your product doesn’t work.

      • May 14, 2012 at 1:53 pm

        😆 Imagine reply

        Dear Angry Exile,

        We note that you failed to treat your pet as advised with Purina Cat Stripper prior to applying your pack of Purina Supercoat. Unfortunately in this instance we can take no responsibility for the final appearance of your valued companion.

        • May 14, 2012 at 2:18 pm

          No cats under the age of 18 may be permitted to work as strippers in Victoria. Not even in the King Street pussy bars.

  3. Hugh
    May 14, 2012 at 9:53 am

    Looks like it might be: EU Regulation 767/2009 EC, via the Animal Feed(England)Regulations 2010,SI 2010 No.2503.Better be careful what you throw to the pigeons,the regs cover wild animals too.

  4. Chuckles
    May 14, 2012 at 10:08 am

    Dear sirs,

    You say in your adverts, ‘If it’s safe in water, it’s safe in Lux.’

    Now about my goldfish….

  5. Radders
    May 14, 2012 at 10:15 am

    Dear Sir

    Despite having fed your ‘high nutrition’ product to a cat for nigh on a month, it shows little signs of assuming the dimensions necessary to make a Supercoat. I have tried the (suitably tranquilised) cat draped over both my back and chest and it covers barely 1.25 sq ft, whereas I calculate it will need to cover a minimum of some 8 sq ft. Perhaps there is some stretching process that I have missed? Or perhaps I need more than one cat?

    Until I have your explanation I am restricted to using the creature as a hat, with its paws tied under my chin.

    Yrs etc.,

    • cuffleyburgers
      May 14, 2012 at 4:38 pm


  6. Able
    May 14, 2012 at 12:00 pm

    Wasn’t there a story doing the rounds a while back (probably apocryphal) of the young eastern European lady visiting Britain after the fall of the Berlin wall. On being shown around a supermarket by her hosts, she gazed in amazement at row upon row of brightly coloured produce of every shape and size. A novelty for one used to the GUM stores and their plain white wrapped cans.

    After wandering around looking at packets and cans she suddenly burst into inconsolable tears. Why?

    Yes, she’d found the cans with pictures of cats and kittens on them and had assumed the worst.

    As to the end of civilisation, in my opinion it’s already well on the way. Go get a coffee at MacDonalds with it’s warning label not to spill it on your lap FFS!!! If that isn’t proof I don’t know what is because as with other seriously stupid warnings they are actually needed for a sizeable percentage of the population.

  7. Ed P
    May 14, 2012 at 4:10 pm

    That warning should be in at least 29 languages (except Korean, natch)to comply with EU directive CH-1234-AT.

  8. May 14, 2012 at 4:12 pm

    Such is the cost of legislating to protect the deliberately ignorant, shallow and vacuous from their own thickness. Yes, you’re all doomed. Sorry, but there it is.

    Remember the guy who complained about the ‘unhygienic’ state of a trawler? These people exist, and most of them work in the public sector. And they’re breeding. That’s the really scary part.

  9. cuffleyburgers
    May 14, 2012 at 4:37 pm

    I get the same rage in lifts (“lift doors are closing, lift is going up, lift is slowing down, do not try to leave lift until doors are open”) and those ghastly rubber tired transit trains in airports (“doors are closing, stand clear of the doors, transit is starting, transit is stopping, doors are opening etc. ad infini-f*cking-itum”)

    I mean how the f*ck did people COPE in the days of the good old GWR??

    And we are supposed to be the smartest generation in history? You are havin’a f*ckin’ laugh.

    By the way apols for the bad language but it makes me really f*ckin’ furious.

  10. Tattyfalarr
    May 14, 2012 at 6:30 pm

    The single most biggest cause of world overpopulation is Warning Labels.

    Take ’em all off and let the Darwin and Sod Laws take care of the rest.

    • May 15, 2012 at 5:57 am

      Probably a lot of truth in that. Maybe everything should carry a warning saying “This product carries no warning labels – users are requited to think”.

  11. Ken from Kowinjeeburra
    May 16, 2012 at 8:04 am

    Was back in the ‘old country’ a couple of years back and visited a cousin of mine who lives in a small village in Dorset.I noticed that every single pole carrying electricity around the neighbourhood had a small notice attached which warned of the, “danger of death”,
    by electrocution if one climbed up the pole and touched the wires !
    And to think that we used the self same poles as cricket stumps when we were kids ….. how on earth did we survive.

  12. May 16, 2012 at 8:38 am

    As some have said to my doom and gloom – these people have a way of shooting themselves in the foot.

Comments are closed.