Useful, If Grandma Is Ever Shot By An Ivory Poacher…

Schoolchildren as young as three are to be given lessons on how to deal with death and grief.

Yes, despite the fact that actual educational achievement falls year after year, and companies are forced to run remedial classes for new staff, 550 primary schools have signed up to this. The brainchild of yet another fakecharity:

The campaign has been launched by the Child Bereavement UK charity.

And how are they going to broach this potentially difficult subject?

Teachers will use elephants to help children understand the concepts telling them that when an elephant dies the rest of the herd is sad and gathers round the body.

They will also use the idea that an elephant never forgets to talk about memories of loved ones who have died.

Well, they would, if elephants could talk…

Anne Chalmers, chief executive of Child Bereavement UK said that some parents may be concerned that their children are to discuss death in class.

Yes, indeed. They might be concerned that they aren’t taught something useful, instead. After all, what’s to be left to the parents to teach them, if the schools are busy imparting ‘social education’?

But she added that it would benefit families should they suffer a bereavement.

Not when they ask if they are expected to take Grandpa’s teeth out and smash them as a result, no…

17 comments for “Useful, If Grandma Is Ever Shot By An Ivory Poacher…

  1. June 20, 2013 at 9:51 am

    Is Richard Hammond connected with this somehow? It sounds very much in keeping with his nauseatingly anthropomorphic voice-overs on ‘Africa Live’ footage of elephants; ‘Emily is a single mum who’s finding it hard to cope…’

    It seems an odd analogy in either case, since all elephant mothers are technically single mums anyway, living for most of the time in matriarchal groups of females and immature males….

    Ah, I’m starting to see a pattern.

    • June 20, 2013 at 4:30 pm

      Elephant feminist communes! The horror! 🙂

  2. richard
    June 20, 2013 at 12:00 pm

    No! I still remember the trauma of 1969. The jolly tune from the big wooden plunged us all into a no-warning tale of horror. We found ourselves singing
    “Cluck cluck cluck! cried the poor little creature; cluck cluck cluck – but she cried in vain!”
    The entire class bewailed the loss of Paul’s Little Hen. Girls were crying, boys were trying not to. The sense of helplessness and loss is still with me, as Death Himself, manifested as a fox with a big bushy
    tail, swept through the peaceful realm of fuzzy-felt and Lego in a welter of blood and feathers.

  3. Woman on a Raft
    June 20, 2013 at 1:22 pm

    It encapsulates all that is worst about “the Human Animal” – cruelty and greed driven by the demand in the Far East and the thoughtless humans who desire an Ivory Trinket.

    I can narrow this down a bit if they like. What ever their many faults are, the Guardianistas don’t shoot elephants. The people holding the guns are usually locals, the purchasers are from the other side of the world and tend not to accept substitutes for animal products such as ivory, rhino horn and bear paws. So let’s have less of this ‘human animal’ business, as if everyone was equally implicated.

    But I don’t think the school will want to mention that.

    P.S. I’m not trawling through the crematorium regulations again but I thought there was something about removing the late granny’s false teeth before the event?

    • June 22, 2013 at 8:07 am

      “…but I thought there was something about removing the late granny’s false teeth before the event?”

      I think they have to remove some stuff that won’t burn. Artificial joints, etc. They make a horrible ‘clunk’ in the urn when shaken, otherwise!

      • June 22, 2013 at 9:24 am

        You have to sign a form allowing the crematorium to dispose of metal components; they sell the precious metals for charity and the surgical implants/pins etc are recycled and used in engineering.

        I suppose, if you really wanted to, you could get them back – I have to confess, I did wonder about asking for my uncle’s gold tooth but I was worried that it might appear grasping (do you think anyone ever does ask?).

        Given his lifelong obsession with the internal combustion engine, he would doubtless have been happy to know that his metal knee could end up as part of a car – though, according to the BBC, there’s a chance it could end up as part of a wind turbine instead, which would really annoy him.

  4. Tatty
    June 20, 2013 at 1:24 pm

    How they handle it when the elephant was such a complete and utter gobshite that no other elephant would waste a single tear might prove enlightening.

    First prize to the child who calls Bullshit.

  5. johnd2008
    June 20, 2013 at 8:12 pm

    I was a child during the war when death and destruction were almost a daily event.However did we manage to survive? No one had the time or inclination to counsel anyone.Is it too late to sue Hitler and Churchill for blighting my childhood.

  6. June 21, 2013 at 2:49 am

    The Grapes of Wrath:

    “Men stood by their fences and looked at the ruined corn, drying fast now, only a little green showing through the film of dust. The men were silent and they did not move often. And the women came out of the houses to stand beside their men – to feel whether this time the men would break. The women studied the men’s faces secretly, for the corn could go, as long as something else remained. The children stood near by drawing figures in the dust with bare toes, and the children sent exploring senses out to see whether men and women would break… Horses came to the watering troughs and nuzzled the water to clear the surface dust. After a while the faces of the watching men lost their bemused perplexity and became hard and angry and resistant.

    Then the women knew that they were safe and that there was no break.

    Then they asked, What’ll we do? And the men replied, I don’t know. But it was all right. The women knew it was all right, and the watching children knew it was all right.

    Women and children knew deep in themselves that no misfortune was too great to bear if their men were whole. The women went into the houses to their work, and the children began to play, but cautiously at first. As the day went forward the sun became less red. It flared down on the dust-blanketed land. The men sat in the doorways of their houses; their hands were busy with sticks and little rocks. The men sat still–thinking—figuring.”

  7. admin
    June 21, 2013 at 8:49 am

    The less I say about the departure from reason in schools the better now.

  8. mona
    June 21, 2013 at 9:27 am

    Dont worry its just psycho research they are just trying to find out how far can you take the English without them getting angry we are the dumbest and most submissive people on the planet.

    • Tatty
      June 23, 2013 at 2:52 pm

      Dont worry its just psycho research they are just trying to find out how far can you take the English without them getting angry…


      we are the dumbest and most submissive people on the planet….

      *shakes head*

      One does not necessarily follow the other. They will think whatever we allow them to think. 😉

      On the subject of “psycho research” though….my secondary school age child was given an assignment: “ Imagine you are in a concentration camp and…for some transgression against The Authorities….your child is stood on a chair with a noose around their neck. Your child will be hung in front of the whole camp if the trangressor is not handed over.

      You know who committed the trangression and it was not you or your child.

      Do you grass up the trangressor or do you allow your child to be killed to protect them ?

      This was in an “R.E” lesson. From the same school that issued the “fun” assignment for History to create a Facebook page for Adolf Hitler. Not just writing it down on a piece of paper, mind, but actually using Facebook to do so.

      I shit you not.

      Schools…they’re insane. Fortunately my children come home to me at night. For now ….. 😐

      • June 24, 2013 at 5:38 am


  9. June 21, 2013 at 9:28 am

    There are already several excellent picture books for 3-5 year-olds that deal with this theme.

    Put one or two in every pre-school classroom (paid for out of the usual book budget) and read them at story time.

    Job done.

    • ivan
      June 21, 2013 at 12:38 pm

      But, but, that doesn’t let the ‘charity’ sup at the public teat.

  10. Furor Teutonicus
    June 21, 2013 at 4:15 pm


    Now we are going to be fed a “Government approved” view on death are we?

  11. Twenty_Rothmans
    June 22, 2013 at 8:33 am

    How do you explain 72 virgins to little children?

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