I Guess A Policeman’s Lot IS A Happy One After All…

…at least, while their union holds the balls of the senior leadership in their hands and says ‘Now, we don’t want to hurt each other, do we?’

Fitness tests designed to ensure that police officers can move fast enough to catch criminals have been quietly watered down for fear of legal action and compensation claims.

All employees – including chief constables and civilian Community Support Officers – were intended to do annual running exercises as part of stringent plans to reform policing culture.

And now?

But ahead of the first national fitness tests in September, the plans have been watered down by a Home Office advisory group, so that…

Ooooh, can’t wait! *gets popcorn*

Anyone who fails will be ‘supported’ in line with procedures for unsatisfactory performance, rather than disciplined.

Yes, I see the hand of the union in this…

Officers who are ‘anxious’ will be allowed to do practice runs in a ‘non-threatening environment’.


What?! If we have police officers who get ‘anxious’ about performance, I suspect we have a far bigger problem than the fact they have a bit of wiggle in their walk..

Some officers could also be spared the test altogether, with the police ‘union’ claiming detectives would not have to.

*sighs* So much for ‘The Sweeney’…

The guidance, published last month by the Police Advisory Board for England and Wales, makes clear that much of the board’s caution is a response to the growing compensation culture within the police.

That says it all, doesn’t it?

23 comments for “I Guess A Policeman’s Lot IS A Happy One After All…

  1. August 30, 2013 at 1:39 pm

    “”Officers who are ‘anxious’ will be allowed to do practice runs in a ‘non-threatening environment’.””

    They already are! They can get their jogging pants on and fuck off to the park in their own time, just like I do.

    And how will they be ‘supported’? They should have their doughnut privilages revoked.

    • August 31, 2013 at 6:57 am


  2. Viscount Rectum
    August 30, 2013 at 1:48 pm

    Something missing here, discrimination against the gender benders, gay cops will be outraged that they are not included.

  3. jaded
    August 30, 2013 at 5:51 pm

    Hello Julia-please explain the word union. Surely you are not ignorant enough to believe the police federation is a union are you? When’s the last time we went out on strike?

    • ivan
      August 30, 2013 at 9:41 pm

      jaded, much as I respect your comments as an individual I have to say that if it walks like a union and talks like a union then the conclusion must be that it is a union, sorry but that is the way a lot of people see it.

      • Penseivat
        August 30, 2013 at 10:13 pm

        Unions are organisations designed to look after the welfare of employees. Police officers are not ’employees’ but are ‘Officers of the Crown’ which carries draconion restrictions on their personal and private lives. One of those restrictions is not having the right to strike or take any form of industrial action. Instead, as part of an agreement by a past Government (often ignored by more recent ones), the Police are allowed to have a body of representatives (the Police Federation) which speaks for the majority of Police officers on matters of pay, conditions of service (as opposed to employment) and other matters affecting their service. The only weapons the Police Federation have is logic and argument. If successive governments had the same weapons then agreements would be easily made. Unfortunately, being politicians, the government lie, cheat, use selective terms, threaten and use highly paid spin doctors to make Police officers out to be money grabbing shirkers. Theyt then bring in good friends of the Prime Minisiter to make an ‘independent’ survey of the Police Force, which resulted in conclusions very similar to those put forward by the same Prime Minister when he was a very junior politician advising more senior politicians on the Police – suggestions which were rejected out of hand as being extremely unfair and one-sided. Despite prorammes like ‘The Sweeney’, which are fiction, the majority of crimes are not solved by coppers running down blaggers, muggers and paedos, but by careful examination of the facts, forensic analysis and intelligent interview techniques, none of which require an Ursain Bolt like acceleration. The best thief taker I ever knew weighed 16 stones, loved curry and chips, and would need a calendar, rather than a stop watch, to run 100 metres. Quite a few high profile criminals are behind bars because of this man, yet some office bound health and safety obsessed cretin would have him cast aside. In the (losing) battle against crime, allow the Police to play to their strengths, not throw them away because they don’t look like Hugh Jackman as Wolverine.

        • jaded
          August 31, 2013 at 12:01 am

          Spot on Penseivat.
          I am actually quite fit for my age and the fitness test doesn’t scare me in the slightest.But what will they do with the ones that fail? Pension them off? All the experienced ones will go and the police will have a force of youngsters too afraid to say boo to a goose.

          • August 31, 2013 at 6:44 am

            “..and the police will have a force of youngsters too afraid to say boo to a goose.”

            And we’ll notice the difference…how?

          • DaveK
            September 5, 2013 at 8:15 pm

            The armed forces have a compulsory fitness test up to age 55 (beep test/1.5 mile run/rockport walk) which upon repeated failure you can be dismissed the service (unless an underlying medical problem is found, which may lead to medical retirement). I am therefore surprised that the police do not do similar.

        • August 31, 2013 at 6:55 am

          “… allow the Police to play to their strengths, not throw them away because they don’t look like Hugh Jackman as Wolverine.”

          Probably best they don’t look like Fred Dukes, though..? 🙄

          But, in truth, I don’t care that much what they look like, but how they act.

          So…what are those strengths? It’s not dealing with travellers, nor protecting society from sword-wielding maniacs, is it?

          • Penseivat
            August 31, 2013 at 9:12 pm

            You are probably right, Julia, it’s not dealing with travellers who are committing a civil offence, over which the Police have no authority, or making a genuine mistake based on th evidence given by a number of, presumably, sober, decent, honest, tax paying, citizens. Perhaps the strength of the Police is taking down a gang (no other words for it), or even several, who passed around disturbed young girls for their sexual pleasure; or trying to stop a thief escaping in a stolen vehicle and being run down, causing major injuries to lower limbs; or attending a report of a burglary and being shot by some scumbag; or running over 1/2 a mile after a mugger, catching him up, struggling with him and arresting him; or catching out the lies of a murderer during an interview after forensic and other evidence had been pored over; or following and catching a stolen vehicle, which was being driven in a reckless manner, which hd the child of the woner in a car seat? The list goes on. The media follows it’s own principles of only seeming to report on the silly, stupid, or downright idiotic practices of some Police officers (a very small minority, but which can be found in any profession apart from politics where the majority seem to be stupid, dangerous or downright idiotic). No profession is perfect and not every action taken by the Police shows them in a good light, but unless someone comes up with a better way of keeping the peace, the Police service is what you have. Perhaps you know someone who will accept a role which pays them (comparatively) peanuts, makes them pay over 14% of their salary towards a pension they may not receive due to the government of the day changing their conditions of service, accept draconian restrictions on their private and professional life, be constantly harangued by people who have no idea what they do without the opportunity of explanation, have their families insulted, attacked or even their homes firebombed because of the job they do? If you know someone like this, then by all means tell them to keep quiet because only the foolhardy, the dedicated who want to see a better society, or university graduates who see themselves as future Chief Constables and are willing to ride roughshod over everyone to get there, sees the Police as a viable career these days. If you have done the job, then by all means criticise it. If you haven’t done the job, think before you blog.

            • September 1, 2013 at 6:54 am

              “..not dealing with travellers who are committing a civil offence, over which the Police have no authority…”

              You miss the point. The police advised the council to open the gate, rather than deal with the situation!

              “…or making a genuine mistake based on th evidence given by a number of, presumably, sober, decent, honest, tax paying, citizens..”

              You miss the point again – he should be better than those citizens because he’s (supposedly) been rigorously trained to handle weapons, no?

              • Penseivat
                September 1, 2013 at 11:15 am

                It may be that I am not the only one missing the point. The decision to open the gate for the travellers was, according to the media, made by an element of the town council. The Police officer with the taser could, and should, have formed an opinion of his own and acted on that. He was wrong and I make no apologies for saying that. In another blog you apparently agree that the inclusion of a Sikh in a gang of Asians who committed sexual offences against a disturbed young girl, should not be taken as representative of the Sikh population in this country. The Police respond to several million incidents each year and they get some wrong. The majority of Police officers carry out their duties professionally and successfully yet, unlike the Sikh, you seem to take great delight in assuming errors are representative of the Police force as a whole. You even responded to an earlier comment of mine where a farmer successfully dealt with a traveller incursion. While you applauded his solution you spoilt it by saying that today’s Police officers would have had him arrested, which would not happen. I would love to read how those who criticise the Police would produce an organisation to replace it, accepting current legislation and restrictions on their budgets and powers. ❓

      • jaded
        August 30, 2013 at 10:14 pm

        It does walk like a union and talk like a union but doesn’t act like one.Otherwise we wouldn’t be taking all the crap we are at the moment.It makes me cringe when the newspapers-especially the Mail-talk about Spanish practices etc.Absolute nonsense. 🙁

  4. August 30, 2013 at 10:31 pm

    In the spirit of Thatcherism, perhaps we should “contract-out” of the police precept, and hire our own choice of police officers with the money we save. People who can’t afford to pay could always contribute in kind, by watching out for wrongdoers and informing on them – although given that a lack of form-filling would reduce costs, hired vigilantes might work out cheaper than paying the precept 😈

    • August 31, 2013 at 6:56 am

      At least we’d get people on the job who do what we want, rather than what the PC grievance monkeys and H&S cretins think they should do!

    • Penseivat
      September 1, 2013 at 11:30 am

      The Police precept works out, roughly, as an average of 36pence per day per council tax bill. The rest is made up of a budget decided by central government. Opt out of the Police precept and you would also lose your portion of the government funding. I have no idea where you live but even if everyone in your road, street, close, news or avenue agreed to pay, just what would you get for your 36pence? As well as wages, there’s the cost of training in the law, health and safety, national insurance, third party liability insurance, transport and related costs. The people you manage to find willing to work for what is left may well do what you want them to, until it becomes something that another contributor doesn’t want them to do. In such a case, you would need to form an organisation to agree on policies and procedures. There would also be the problem of not having the ability of arrest or using approved force on offenders. In short, stop paying the precept and good luck. You’ll certainly need it.

  5. August 31, 2013 at 8:43 am

    ‘Ello, bon jewer, gutten targ, qu’elle eine mob of pansies’.

    The entire ‘watering down’ thingo is more to do with the ladies than anything else. It isn’t fat detectives or older uniformed time-servers but the spunky girls who find sports bras are a bit too plain in the locker-room.

    I put it down to Berlie m’self. They have resisted all calls for making an action-gal bra with lacy fiddly bits. The girls stop running at 15 unless there is a sponsorship deal.

  6. MTG
    August 31, 2013 at 9:36 pm

    One could devote the entire evening demonstrating to plod bigots that the odours emanating from their Federation were indistinguishable from those pungent emissions wafting from other trade union lairs. And it would prove no more rewarding than double Microbiology for a colony of London sewer rats.

    • jaded
      September 1, 2013 at 8:34 pm

      Still haven’t got the app for “Melvin translate”.

      • MTG
        September 1, 2013 at 10:20 pm

        Those feelings of inferiority can be conquered, Jaded. Just tell yourself that brain space must be at a premium when vocabularies extend to more than a thousand words.

        • jaded
          September 4, 2013 at 9:29 pm

          Anyone??? 😀

          • Penseivat
            September 5, 2013 at 3:18 pm

            I’m afraid you’re on your own, mate. I gave up trying to translate his witterings ages ago!

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