Pointless Gestures, For The Children!

A council has banned new takeaway businesses from opening near secondary schools before 5pm on weekdays.

Town hall bosses say they have acted to protect youngsters as some single meals from takeaways can contain almost an entire calories allowance for an adult.

Only some youngsters, clearly. No need to worry about the others:

The change to planning regulations applies to new businesses opening within 400 metres of high schools and does not affect existing takeaways or ones which plan to open near primary schools.

Yes. That makes sense. I mean, the whole idea is a non-starter, anyway. Who’d be in favour of th…


Nigel Ogden, headteacher at Moorside High School, backed the council’s ban.

He said: “We keep our pupils within the school at lunchtime and try and ban fizzy drinks, and reduce the intake of sweets and chocolate.

“I want our pupls (sic) to have a healthy lifestyle and I am in favour of what the council is doing. ”

Yes, of course you are. After all, like so many public sector employees, you are a nannying little fussbucket with delusions of grandeur, and a slavering desire to ride your Steed of Righteousness down the main road bellowing your moral certainty at the top of your voice, the better to be held in awe by the subjects you so graciously deign to impart wisdom to…

“I have no evidence as such, but speaking anecdotedlly (again sic – the MEN copywriter must have been educated at Moorside High School…) pupils that have had a good breakfast perform better in the classroom.”

And how do you spot ‘pupils that have had a good breakfast’, Nigel, ol’ son? Are they glowing, like the kids in that old ReadyBrek commercial?

“It will be a difficult policy – how do you stop takeaways that have been serving children for years, but the council has to start somewhere. ”

Can’t make an egg-white low-fat omelette without breaking a few independent businesses, after all!

“Children need to understand that what they take in to their bodies effects (*sighs* sic) how they perform.”

No, children need to understand how to read, write, and add up. And after that, how to think for themselves, if at all possible.

That’s so they won’t grow up to be a head teacher or a journalist, or some other drain on productive society…

10 comments for “Pointless Gestures, For The Children!

  1. ivan
    March 12, 2014 at 10:42 am

    But… but… this is the state of British education today, especially after the education, education, education call of a previous PM.

    It would appear that the teachers, at least the younger ones, lack an education having been through the ‘system’ themselves.

    • March 13, 2014 at 12:18 am

      A classic problem, Ivan. The calls for better education is supported by the callers’ lack of it. And of course, they are the product of a system they know intimately as shoddy. Can one expect to find one superbly built car from a factory where the production-line vehicles are all shoddy?

      Notice: ‘Will the last soul into the pit, please close the lid’.

      er… I suppose it might also be mentioned that there exists a very pronounced gender imbalance in teaching. Not that anyone pronounces it. The imbalanced mob are all too busy shouting what great communicators they are.

  2. Andrew Duffin
    March 12, 2014 at 12:51 pm

    “Children need to understand that what they take in to their bodies…”

    There’s a clue in that little word “their”, is there not?

    But I wouldn’t expect someone who doesn’t know the difference between “effect” and “affect” to appreciate such subtleties.

  3. Mudplugger
    March 12, 2014 at 9:31 pm

    You flatter the nannying little fussbucket with ‘delusions of grandeur’ – I’ve always preferred ‘delusions of adequacy’ when describing such life-forms.

    • March 16, 2014 at 7:45 am

      Quite so!

  4. March 13, 2014 at 10:03 am

    Julia says:

    After all, like so many public sector employees, you are a nannying little fussbucket with delusions of grandeur


  5. Ed P
    March 13, 2014 at 3:58 pm

    It would appear that The Peter Principle applies to Hedteecheers these days. Mr. Ogden’s command of English does not give confidence in teaching standards, but perhaps he was promoted (to what nowadays is solely a paper-pushing role) to prevent him from “effecting his pupis”.

  6. Brightside Bob
    March 13, 2014 at 10:07 pm

    “I mean, the whole idea is a non-starter, anyway”

    Isn’t that the idea of takeaways – go straight to the maincourse? 😀

  7. Lynne at Counting Cats
    March 13, 2014 at 10:30 pm

    La fin d’enseignement, le début de soumission.

    English trans: Education? You don’t need no steenkin’ education.

    • March 16, 2014 at 7:47 am


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