In an historic simul-video-televisor-holographic broadcast, Lord Antony Corbyn, the Prime Minister-designate and late-Leader of the Opposition’s grandson, High Court Justice and Formula One winner, has astonished the entire Nation by finding someone, acceptable to everybody, after sixty years and fifteen thousand possible candidates; to finally lead the Combined Historic-Child-Abuse / Grenfell Tower disaster / European Parliament Massacre by Primary School-aged Serbian mercenaries / British Involvement in the Chinese Government’s Overthrow / Emperor Donald Trump’s (The hereditary Leader of AllTheAmericasNorth&SouthandCanada and grandson of the original) fourth and fifth attempts to occupy the Shetland Islands / Bank of Greater British Empire’s (Inclusive of all of Europe) legacy in owning just about all the world’s assets by legerdemain, brute force and fast talking– Inquiry.
He stated that the chosen man / woman / other / it had very recently arrived by fusion-powered rubber dinghy from the Antarctic Peninsula which was the place of his/her/its birth; had been interviewed over a three month period, and had been assessed as having no knowledge at all of any of the multitude of problems/ grievances/ allegations, and therefore could be said to be totally neutral. The Inquiry, renamed The Inquiry-Plus, will sit in the cities of London-Birmingham, Glasgow-Edinburgh and Belfast-Dublin, with a combined workforce of just over 2 million and a host of super computers.
Frederica/Fred/I-wanna-hold-your-Hand Nelson has agreed to lead the Inquiry, with his/her/it’s first words being ‘Haven’t we got a big, comfortable chair which can swivel? I’ve always wanted one of them.”