Checklist for Police preparing ‘Stop-and-Search’ tactics.

  • Questions which must be asked before preparing to undergo Stop-and-Search(TM) techniques whilst searching suspect:-
  • Is the suspect White-skinned?  If so; determine:-
    • Have they made any visits to Far-Right websites, or else any website not specifically admired by Guardian readers, within the last three months?
    • Are they admirers of Tommy Robinson?
    • Have they re-tweeted any of Tommy Robinson’s tweets before his suspension?
    • Have they used either EDL or BNP websites, (Not to be mistaken for BNP Paribas banking)  as a basis for planned travel?
    • Are they likely to resist the search?
    • If ‘yes’, suspect must be allowed to walk free, as officers must never invade another’s personal space without absolute  certainty and assurance.
    • If ‘No’; the following steps and queries are relevant:-
    • The question must be asked if the suspect is a member of a ‘Protected Community’; i.e., Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender (or any of the seventy-six plus variations on the last category)?
    • If the reply is “No, Copper; I isn’t bent!”, or variations upon that theme;
    • the search may proceed, but the suspect may be warned that he might be accused of sexually-threatening language.
    • If the suspect is wearing a football type shirt with the slogan similar to ‘No one likes us; and we don’t care’ emblazoned upon the front facing chest area of the shirt, officers are also warned that this suspect may react in one of two distinct manners:
    • (a) He will move forwards in an aggressive manner, but this is usually bluster, as Millwall hasn’t done well in the League, and all fire has therefore deserted the supporters, or
    • (b) He will raise his arms and prepare to be searched, as this type of suspect (Millwall fan) only goes ‘tooled up’ on match days, and at all other times will be unarmed and not considered dangerous.
    • If the reply is “Yes, Sweetie, but can you make sure that firstly your hands are warmed,”, you are advised that your face muscles and lips must remain rigid during the entire time your hands are upon the suspect’s body; whilst ensuring at all times that no part of the suspect’s genitalia are touched, rubbed, or massaged in any fashion whatsoever.
      • The Questions which must be asked each suspect are repeated further down the check list.
  • If the suspect is Black-skinned, with facial characteristics common to members of the Black-Afro-Caribbean (the old-fashioned and totally-unacceptable term of Negro, which of course must never ever be uttered; applies) racial factor, the following steps must, Repeat Must, be adhered to before commencing search procedures:-
    • You must ask the suspect if he is carrying anything contrary to the following:-
    • Section 1 Prevention of Crime Act 1953 (Offensive Weapons)
    • Section 1A Prevention of Crime Act 1953 (Threatening with an offensive weapon in public)
    • Section 139 Criminal Justice Act 1988 (Bladed and Pointed Articles)
    • Section 139A Criminal Justice Act 1988 (Offensive Weapons, Bladed and Pointed Articles on school premises)
    • Section 139AA Criminal Justice Act 1988 (Threatening with an article with a blade or point or offensive weapon)
    • Section 28 Violent Crime Reduction Act 2006 (Using another person to mind a dangerous weapon)
    • Section 1 Knives Act 1997 (Unlawful marketing of knives etc.)
    • If the suspect’s reply is in the negative, you must then caution the suspect that, if a sharp-bladed knife, or indeed a syringe, is discovered after replying in the negative to all of the above questions, severe repercussions will be faced by the suspect, including but not limited to ‘A severe talking to by a nineteen year-old trainee social worker’, arrest and caution for an appearance at a Magistrate’s Court, the sentence being ‘A severe talking to by a nineteen year-old trainee social worker’, and being forced to attend Group Therapy Centre, where lots of highly-paid psychologists will gather to rub their chins reflectively, whilst muttering “I blame the parents” on a rota basis (the muttering, that is).
    • If the suspect stopped is recognised as an identifiable member of one of the one thousand, three hundred and twenty five Black criminal gangs, (as listed by the Metropolitan Police website (updated as of 2008) as being of a criminal, subversive and possibly undertaking drug-related activities as determined within the various Acts, (memorised by the truly observant officer)), protests of innocence should be recorded, but search and arrests are indicated excepting when the suspect states, “My Dad knows Cressida’s Dick” in which case the suspect is to be Tasered immediately, and slung into Custody.
      • If the suspect stopped is of swarthy skin colour, has a beard or is wearing South-East Asian type, or religiously-oriented  clothing, and identifies himself as Muslim, the officer must immediately step back at least one pace, place the palms of both hands together, and bow towards the former suspect, and advise the former suspect that no offence must be taken by the peremptory stop order previously given; and the former suspect must be allowed to go on his way, as Islam, as every officer must be aware, is the Religion of Peace, and any observant Muslim must always be given the benefit of the doubt, as they are always of a peace-loving and gentle nature, despite the foul and calumnious nature of the false propaganda put out by such people as elderly senior members of the Tory Party, Tommy Robinson, certain bloggers of infamous repute; and by subversive news websites such as; or OoL.


End of Advice for Officers preparing to engage on Stop-and-Search activities in London.

9 comments for “Checklist for Police preparing ‘Stop-and-Search’ tactics.

  1. April 9, 2018 at 11:24 am

    In one, Mike.

    • April 9, 2018 at 4:40 pm

      Brilliant!! ?

  2. April 9, 2018 at 12:40 pm

    I am pretty sure there’s a loophole somewhere, but as yet I have not conducted a thorough search. There are reasons for this. 427 of them. Would you like them all one at a time or grouped in tens? Be careful how you answer.

  3. Voice of Reason
    April 9, 2018 at 4:22 pm

    Funny that it’s almost the opposite in many cities here in the US. Last week saw the settlement of a lawsuit because a police officer found an African-American committing jay-walking (crossing the street without a signal), threw him to the ground, and started punching him.

    • April 9, 2018 at 4:41 pm

      Can we swap? ?

      • Voice of Reason
        April 10, 2018 at 5:05 pm

        No, but I’m not sure you want it. Quite a few people, of all races, are simply killed by police on a regular basis.

  4. rapscallion
    April 9, 2018 at 5:19 pm

    Oh, sorry, my mistake, I thought you were employing sarcasm.

    • Hereward Unbowed.
      April 9, 2018 at 6:50 pm


  5. Mona
    April 10, 2018 at 4:19 am

    A very important article, a couple of omissions though. the first Question should be ” are you Human? if the answer is no or it is not understood then they should be allowed to go on their way as they will not be subject the above Statutes, another answer could be ” my Dad is Cressida Dick, then all would be well, the time and money saved would be enormous. This article should be published in the Law Journal.

Comments are closed.